To:My Master

"Another year has passed and a new year is ready to pounce – like that blasted kitten you persist in believing will be best buds with me sooner or later. “Sooner or never” is more like it if she doesn’t cease and desist with the constant practice of hiding around the corner and dashing out to grab my nose and bite it as I go by. One of these days she’s going to do it when I’m on my way to my pet door after waking up from a very long nap and there’s going to be an accident in the floor for SOMEONE to clean up. I don’t want to hear one word about it when that happens, got it?

But I digress.

Ahem. The new year is around the proverbial corner and I have observed that you and your furless friends make what you call “resolutions” each year, generally after a long night spent drinking, carousing and singing songs whose words you don’t understand (seriously, does anyone know what a “lang syne is?”
You pledge to exercise, lose weight, quit puffing on those stinking firesticks, “teach the dog not to ______ “ (excuse me?), look for a better job, start going to that gym you joined as part of a resolution a couple of New Year’s Eves ago . . . you remember all those, right? And then you remember that in less than a month it was like none of it ever happened. Well, I thought maybe if you had a little help it would be different this year, so I’ve made a list of reasonable resolutions and will be only too happy to assist you in keeping them…

Your 2010 New Years Resolutions:

1 . Eat healthier food. Meat is good for you. Really, really good for you.

2. Eat less. Take normal portions on your plate, but instead of eating it all, divide each pile of food in half. Eat your half, then give ME the other half. If you’re having beets, canned peas or collard greens you can keep all of those for yourself, though. When you eat out, be sure to ask for a doggy box before you start eating. Go ahead and separate my portions before you start eating, that way you won’t be tempted. Remember, I’ll know. I can smell it on your breath.

3. Don’t be wasteful. Give the dog any leftovers.

4. Get more aerobic exercise. Take me out to the park to run. Don’t think I’m being a bad dog when I don’t come when you call; that’s only me helping you get your exercise. Chase me, try to catch me. I’ll meet you back at the car once I’m sure you’ve gotten a good run.

5. Lift weights. Buy bigger bags of dog food. Lift three times each day. Pick me up and put me in the car. Then you can take me for a ride while you rest. Rest is important for muscle recovery. Repeat several times a day.

6. Walk a couple of miles or more every day. I’ll remind you. When I bring you our leash, don’t put me off, get up and do it now. Seriously.

7. Relax more. Stop and smell the roses — or at least stop and let me sniff the bushes and catch up on the news!

8.  Meditate to lower your blood pressure. At least twice each day and once before going to sleep, spend a half hour (or more) scratching my neck and rubbing my belly, chanting, “ Ohm-my you’re a good dog, good dog, you’re such a good dog . . .”

9. Support economic recovery; buy more dog toys. I could use a couple of spiffy new collars, too, something in leather? Maybe lined with something soft?

10. Learn to cook new dishes. Check on the internet. There are some really yummy recipes for cookies and treats for ME! You can cook and not spoil your diet!

11. Play more. With the dog.

(Oh, and last but not least, do something about that cat. Please. She’s been biting my tail again.)"